he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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