now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
