My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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