he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
