grandma shit on top of the toilet
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
