is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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