He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
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