I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
