You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
