I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Randomize
