I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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