based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
