I hate all girls vehemently.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I want a musical about memes.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
