So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
