On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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