I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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