Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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