News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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