This girl is more easily done than said...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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