I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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