People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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