there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
