If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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