you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
