he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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