Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
