I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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