I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
