On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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