Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
