6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
