wakey wakey hands off snakey
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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