i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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