uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Holy sore nipples Batman
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
