you're like a bully in the Christmas story
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
