I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
