roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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