She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
