You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
