yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Randomize
