Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
