I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
