Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
