and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
