why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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