so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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