I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
