i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
