every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
