rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
