She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
