New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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