Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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